Originally published 9/15/2013
Sometimes I get so tired of being so strong. Every now and then I want to let the pain wash over me and set me free. I want to let the tears drown my insecurities. Feel the sting of my wounds. Every now and then I need to feel everything all at once. I need to feel the sunshine and taste the rain. I need to remember that it’s okay to not be okay.
I just want to be weak. For one moment I want to let it all go in your presence and feel everything I held behind this smile. In front of Your thrown at the feet of your grace I want to expose the pain. Take the love that burned my soul and the lies that stained my heart. I want to remove the filter of lies that turns possible truths into fearful lies. I want to remember what it’s like to take a person for their word. I want to feel okay to be vulnerable.
In the stillness of the night I let the sorrow fall like rain over me. I admit that the beautiful cul-de-sac has turned into a prison around me. I give in to those moments. Head first I dive into the pain and I soak it up. I feel all the misery that once lived under the pseudonym of hope. I cave in. Not to the fear, not to the pain, not to the bitterness, or the shame. I cave in to the truth.
We’re told to believe that there is one signifying breaking point. The truth is that it takes way more than one straw to break the camels back. Little by little we adjust to the pressure of being strong. We strain, we tear, we stretch, but we refuse to break. We refuse to blink and let the tears pour out our fear. The disease we bear it. The death we can handle it. The debt? No problem. The eviction notice won’t unsettle us. We take each of life’s blows on the chin.
How is it if He doesn’t give us more than we can bear that we feel so tired? But didn’t we take on more than He ever asked of us? When will we learn to let go of the things we cannot control and trust Him to just be Him. We’ve got it all. All the things we want and so few of the things we need.
When was the last time you decided to stay true to you instead of them?
Don’t let pride rob you of the beauty in the ebbs and flows of life. It’s okay to not be okay. Full submission to Him doesn’t require that you have strong will. It does, however, require full trust in His.
Are you willing to let His strength be made perfect in you?
I’ve been tired for more days than I can remember now. I’m so afraid of disappointing my small world that I’m missing out on Your great touch. I need more from You than I can ever get from them. Every time I feel like I’m on my last, You refill me. Still, I know my true restoration can’t come until I admit I’ve been shattered.
2 Corinthians 9:12 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”