My Friend

Originally published 10/28/13

I wish I could save you. I wish I could help you see this from the outside looking in. I don’t want to be your enemy. I just want to be your friend. I want to help you see that you deserve better than what you’re accepting from yourself. This has more to do with you than it has to do with anything or anyone else. I love you too much to watch you settle here.


I’ve seen you fight too hard to give in now. You’re too young, too smart, too incredible to let this beat you. I wish I could show you at the heart of your frustration is fear.  You’re so much stronger than you appear. I remember how you held my hand and walked me through my own valleys. I want to do the same for you, but I can’t find your hand in the darkness that surrounds you. I can’t see my friend when the fear is hiding you.


You’ve spent your entire life trying to avoid becoming this person. I feel like you’re losing yourself and I’m the only one screaming for help. I’m losing my friend. It’s your dream I’m fighting for, these are your tears streaming down my face. When did you fall in love with regret? I want to protect you from the shell you’re becoming.


I know life hasn’t been fair to you. To be honest, it hasn’t been fair to any of us. My struggle was different from yours, but I didn’t escape struggle altogether. And I know you want to believe that you have a special kind of hurt that no one could possible understand. I’m trying to help you see the cause may be different but the pain is nothing new. Someone on this earth has survived what’s killing you.


You can’t let this beat you. You can’t let your story end here.


You, my friend, stopped believing. You have become one of them. The bitter hearts we swore we’d never be. I know you’re breaking. I know you think you’re hiding it from me, but every time I look in your eyes it’s all I see. It’s killing me to watch your fears murder your dreams. Remember when we daydreamed about the lives we would live? Now the dreams have turned into a nightmare, a reminder of what will never be. I found my way though and I want so badly to bring you with me.


I want you to see how beautiful our lives can become when we stop letting panic chase our hopes. You’re letting fear distract you from our race. The pain slowed your pace. But I found out hope has more endurance and speed than fear ever could. Please don’t let your bitterness separate us. I can’t bare the thought of leaving you behind. When will you stop being distracted long enough to unleash your hope again?  


It’s not enough to want better if you aren’t going to be better. Do you understand what I mean? You want to be loved, but you do not speak in love.  You want someone to take a chance on you, but you won’t take a chance on yourself. Remember when we weren’t content being another statistic? I remember when all that mattered to us is beating the odds. We took pride in being the underdogs. Somewhere along the way the lines began to blur and you let failure leave you completely defeated. Failure is only defeat when you refuse to get back up again.

I need you to try again.  


I’ve been struggling to find the words to bring the smile back to your face. You know that one that shows your almost dimple and spreads to your eyes? I miss my friend.


I wish I could make you feel the warmth of the God’s light. It’s the only way I learned to chase the cold that comes with life’s terror. I believe in you still. I know a lot of people have given up on you. I know that you don’t think anyone will stand by you, but I’m here. I won’t pretend that you’re okay, but I won’t leave you while you’re afraid. I’ll be the quiet nudge of truth when you start to believe the lie you live. I’ll be your friend even if it means I have to sound like your enemy.


Life may have forced you to give up your dream, but I saved them in my heart. When you’re prepared for better I’ll be here. I can’t make you believe again, but I have hope on reserve for you. When you’re ready I’m here...


I don’t know if they’re going to come out of this and I’m scared. I’m scared we’ll grow apart. I’m afraid they’ll push me away when they see I won’t live their façade. I know You can use this for their good. Help me to be a good friend in times of trouble. Give me the words that plant undeniable seeds of hope. I want to be the stability that holds them down while their world turns upside down. I pray our memories help them remember who You called them to be. I pray my light shines bright enough for the both of us. I hope Your love constantly flows through me.. I don’t want to let go, please help me save my friend…