Originally published 9/18/2013
I’m afraid that I won’t be any good at this. I hate feeling like I’m losing control of what happens from here. I have a feeling that if I could get past this fear I could be incredible. I would be everything You created me to be.
The only problem is I’m so petrified of failing again. I made the wrong decisions before and I couldn’t bear to deal with the humiliation again. I don’t know if my heart can risk another disgrace. I don’t want to even try to apply for another house so soon after the foreclosure. I want to pursue my degree, but I don’t want to be the oldest person in the class. You see, there are all these steps I need to take to become great. It’s just that there is no handrail on the way up. One wrong move and I could go from being on top to starting all over. So I sit on the steps of my destiny too afraid to climb further, too exposed to go back.
I remember way back when… when my innocence was stolen before I could even define it… before I took the first hit and started drowning.. I remember back when my biggest problem was whether I wanted to play hopscotch or jump rope.. I used to believe that all things were possible for those who believe. Somewhere along the way believing became way too problematic, though.
How do you believe when you’ve broken?
Underneath this façade of strength there’s miles and miles of fear.. and for once, I would just like to see life the way it once was. I’m not even asking to be fearless. I just want to believe more than I’m afraid. I want the boogeyman to stay in the closet and the monsters to stay under the bed. I want to be the light that makes the world realize there was never anything there.
It was all just fear.
So what’s your biggest fear? That it won’t work? So what? We spend hours convincing ourselves why we shouldn’t let go. Constantly telling ourselves the reasons we should abandon what feels so right instead of just feeling. If our biggest fear is dismissal or failure how will we ever expose the force of our potential. We bring halfhearted hopes into the pursuit of our dreams then become baffled when they’re never fully realized. The only way to get change is to give more than required.
All around me I see lives crippled by the fear of not getting anything back. We choose to give less than we have too and complain receive less than our hearts we deserve. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I remember how afraid she was to live. Now I see the only thing holding me back was me. The only reason we can hear the whispers of our critics is because we don’t live loud enough. We become content to stifle our best so that we can feel like the rest. I don’t want to live a life that requires I lose a piece of me to gain a good opinion from them.
Whether you have chosen to build a wall and isolate your heart from the devastation of failure and expectation or choose to live unapologetically; “they” will talk. Let your God talk back.
You have no idea what fragments of your life He needs to create a masterpiece. So give life all that He has given you.
Don’t imprison your heart. Don’t cage your mind. Don’t silence your voice.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even with my fear You remind me I’m incredible. I stopped believing that fear and beauty could exist peacefully, yet it’s who You created me to be. I’m tired of having to choose between my fear and my dreams. I just want to remember that even though I was burned, I survived. I know that Your grace can heal the wounds of my past. I’m sorry that I started doubting myself and stopped believing Your power to make all things new. I need You to give me the faith to dream again. Please, God, revive our courage..