Here I Am

Every time I close my eyes I hear the voice of change. It haunts me until sleep takes over, but it’s waiting for me the moment I open my eyes. I try to drown it with laughter. I even attempt to crowd it with the thoughts and opinions of other people, butno matter what I do the baseline of change plays deep in my soul. I know I should confront it, but it’s easier to ignore it than admit that I’m not sure I have what it takes to change my life.


What if I can’t do it well? What if it’s harder than I expected and I fail? What if I open myself up for disappointment again? The voice of change has been doing a slow dance with my  fears and anxieties since before I can remember. They try to convince me that I must know the outcome before I even take the first step. It makes me feel like I can’t handle what comes next. I’m not at a crossroad. I’m at the end of one road that only intersects with a one-way street. My only options are to go back to who I was, stay where I am, or risk the unknown.


Have you ever wanted to just snap your fingers and be over a hurdle? Sometimes I wish that God would make my mountain easier to climb. I wish that He would give me the strength I see in others. Before I can let that thought fully live in my mind, I remind myself that God won't just give me the power that someone else possesses because I may not be able to handle the weakness that comes along with it. No, instead he places me in situations where I have to prove to myself what He's known all along: I’ve got what it takes. He makes me dig deep within and face my fears so that when I finally taste the victory of overcoming I won’t forget the preparation it took to get there.


Some of you have been waiting for God to reveal how you’re supposed to move, this particular blog post is not for you. This post is for the person who has known what God wants from them for a very long time, but they’ve been afraid to move. I’m serving you notice that there’s no way around it.


Your happiness and wholeness depends on this move. God gave you grace on credit because he wanted to increase your faith. You graduated that test, but now you’re going to have to do the work of stretching your faith by stepping into obedience. Yes, I said the “O” word. Obedience is the word that makes every rebel shudder. To procrastinate your surrender is to protest what God wants to do in your life. He will not force you to move. This next step of faith will require you to know the difference between being a slave and a servant.  


A slave is stripped of their will and forced to perform tasks. A servant sees the value in being connected to the master and is willing to do whatever is asked. Does that mean that servants don’t have hard days? No! Does it mean that servants get everything right? Absolutely not! But it does mean that they never quit trying because they value what the master gives in return. God won't make you a slave when others are willing to be true servants. 


 You’re not just going to wake up one day and have your life together. No, it’s going to take every ounce of willpower you can muster. There will be pleasant distractions that pacify your stagnancy, but they will only be temporary. You will have to force yourself to have unprecedented discipline, or you will find yourself stuck. You weren’t meant to go to bed questioning your life every night. You’re supposed to rest confidently because you know regardless of what the day holds you know you’re in God’s will. There are benefits reserved for those who are able to make the tough decisions that lead to destiny. Those benefits promise that your discipline and decision to be obedient is not just seen, but rewarded.


So this message is for you my friend….I can’t tell you how much time you’ll be given on this earth. I just know that you’ve got to make each moment count. The change you’ve been hoping will happen in your life will not come instantly, change this monumental occurs each second of everyday. It’s in how you choose to handle your heart. It’s in whom you choose to handle your insecurities. It’s in how you honor your body. It’s in how you treat others. 

If you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s time to start pulling your heart back. If you’re downplaying your intellect and wisdom to be accepted you’re going to have to find your voice. If you spend too much, you'll have to cut back. If you devalue the treasure of your heart, body, and soul for attention, no one will ever fully understand your worth. 

This kind of change will shake up your world. That shaking will be scary at first, but then you will realize God is only shaking off mindsets, relationships, and opportunities that you should have never clung to in the first place.



Dear God,


Help me to undergo the soul surgery that will change my life. Help me to uncover dimensions of myself I never knew existed. Show me who I really am not who I’m comfortable being. Take me out of my comfort zone, but lead me with Your voice and protect me with Your hand. I want to go deeper with you even if it means I have to cut some things loose. I know that I’ve postponed this moment for reasons I can’t fully express, but I’m finally saying, “here I am.”



Welcoming Change  






**This blog was inspired by my desire to eat a cookie. Keep praying...the fat fight continues! (6 pounds down, Thanksgiving this week.)